CAR HORN
You idiot! You could have scratched our Mercedes!
Scratched your Mercedes? You could have killed me, you stupid cow!
Wait... Is that Adam?
What?
Sheila. Sheila Bloom.
Oh!
Hello, Sheila.
Hi. How are you?
Fine. You remember my husband, don't you?
Um, yes. Hello, Mr Bloom!
Um, sorry that I called you...
How's your mum?
Er, yep, fine.
Dad?
Good. Good.
And you?
Yep.
Girlfriend?
Er, no, not, not at the moment.
Not to be rude, but if you were more careful,
things like this wouldn't happen.
OK... Because, to be honest,
our Mercedes would cost considerably more to repair than your, er, Yugo.
Er, it's a Nissan.
Who knows, you might even find yourself a nice girlfriend.
Well, goodbye. Go on, Eddie.
Bitch.
Surprise! Surprise!
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Happy birthday, Pusface.
Oh, very good. Get off!
Yeah, happy birthday, Bambino.
Thanks, Dad. You look brown.
It was the sun.
Um, yes. What's with the doorbell?
And the coat rack?
Broken.
Everything's broken in this house, including your dad's brain.
Hi, Mum.
Wha...? My hearing machine's all clogged up with ear wax.
Oh, they're gorgeous. Jonny, put these in a vase.
Dad, put these in a vase.
Oh!
You all right?
I'm on crutchlings.
Aww!
Bloody jellyfish.
So what happened again? It stung you?
I told you, I got stung on the ankle.
And then...?
Then I fell over and sprained the other one. It's not funny!
It is a bit funny.
What's funny?
Nothing.
Mum's ankle.
Oh, yeah, that is funny!
Please, stop eating cream!
Oh, just go and put this inside, would you?
Dad, put this inside, would you?
Oh... Mind my foot!
Ooh, guess who I just saw?
Who?
Bitchface.
Oh! Sheila Bloom? Ugh, what was she doing?
Um, trying to run me over.
What, in her stupid Mercedes?
Of course. Oi, Pissface, what are you doing in there?
Nothing!
Martin. Adam just saw Bitchface.
You saw Sheila Bloom? Yup.
In her stupid Mercedes? Yup.
Can you believe Dad went on a date with her?
Dad went on a date with Bitchface?
It was before your mother. It was just a few dates.
Few? You told me it was one.
Did I? Well, didn't really get up to much, you know, business.
Er...
Thanks, Dad.
What do you mean "much business"?
Looking forward to your birthday dinner?
Yeah, course. What have you been doing in here?
Nothing. Oh, you do know Dad's making it?
Ha, ha!
Well, you didn't think I was doing the cooking, did you?
No, but...
Yeah, Adam, you know Mum's crippled.
Thank you, Jonny.
But... Dad?
You've never really made dinner before.
What?
You've never made dinner!
No.
Right. And now you're making my birthday dinner.
Yes, I know.
We could always just go for a Chinese.
Yes, but a Chinese won't be as nice as this.
Won't it?
What is it?
It's a surprise.
I'd rather it wasn't a surprise.
All right. Potatoes and some meat.
"Potatoes and some meat".
Mmm, prison food!
Dad really is making my birthday dinner?
Oh, I'm sorry, darling, what can I do?
Anyway, I'm banned from the kitchen, look.
Martin?
Oh, bloody go away!
See?
Where's the birthday boy?
Grandma! You're here! I didn't know Grandma was here!
Surprise!
Thank you.
You all right now, Mum?
Oh, yes, Dolly.
I'm much better now, thank you.
I had, um... a bit of...
you know.
Right.
Grandma, remember what you were going to say to Adam?
What? Remember that thing?
What thing?
Oh, yes!
Happy birthday, Pusface.
No, I love them, I really do.
Do you?
Yeah, the microwave and the knife sharpener.
Electric knife sharpener.
Yes, and the, um, hand-held hoover device thing.
They're really... Shit?
Thank you! Practical.
Yes. Practical. Lovely practical presents.
Oh, Jackie, did you get me my bikini?
Yes, Mum, I got you your bikini.
Sorry, bikini?
Yes, from Spain. She wanted one.
Is it the right size?
Well, it's the size you asked, Mum.
38 GG. LAUGHS
What?
Nothing.
Can you go and get it then?
Mum, I can't get it now, can I?
Oh, yes. OK, then.
Don't worry, I'll go. I'll go.
She really wants that bikini.
But no bikini for Dad.
What? I'm hot.
Martin, is it going to be long?
Yeah, meat's not ready yet.
Still not ready? What meat is it, horse?
CHUCKLES Here.
What's that? What do you think it is?
From you?
Yeah. Thanks, Dad.
I hope you like it.
I just thought, you were always interested in, um...
The SS.
Yeah, you were always interested in the war, so, er...
Um...
Martin, the SS?
The SS?
Cos he used to love the war, remember?
I'm not sure about "loved". I was kind of interested
when we did it at school but... the SS?
Wonderful present for a Jewish son, a book on the SS!
It's very good!
Um... Thanks, Dad. No, it's, um... No, it's really nice of you.
Yeah, see?
I can't believe you bought that!
You said you were buying a book about the war!
It is about the war.
There are quite a lot of pictures of the SS.
Well, what do you expect? Your brother!
Yeah...
Well, you do like it, don't you?
Yeah, Dad.
It's just you'd imagine a book on the SS
might sort of focus on all the bad things they did? The atrocities?
The SS!
And this one, it's... well,
weapons of the SS, medals of the SS, heroes of the SS! You know...
It is a bit "SS-y".
Just take it away, please, it's dirty.
It's not dirty!
It's dirty. Just take it away!
Sorry, Dad.
And don't let my mother see it!
I can't find it anywhere.
Oh, the SS.
You lucky boy!
Oh, finally!
Don't touch!
Well, make some room, will you? God!
Lovely party atmosphere he's created!
Yes, try and remember it's your son's birthday.
You all right there, Mum?
Oh, yes, thank you, Jackie.
Have you had your hair done?
I haven't, actually.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, I think you should.
Brilliant!
Urgh!
Even more brilliant! Oh, come on!
Oh, boys!
Stop it, Adam!
Me?!
How you going to find yourself a female
if you act like a baby the whole time?
Yes, females!
Martin! Leave him, it's his birthday!
Yes, thank you. Can we please have a ban on the F-word, for tonight?
Oh, really?
So what did you mean when you said, um,
"not much business"?
Sorry?
You and Sheila Bloom, "not much business".
Oh, we're not still talking about that, are we?
Honestly, nothing happened.
Honestly?
Yeah. It was yonks ago, and really we, er, hardly had sex.
Oh, please!
Dad!
What do you mean, "Hardly"?
Jackie, has Martin got somebody pregnant?
Mum!
Jon-Jon, who was the lady that Martin got pregnant?
Sheila Bloom.
Shut up, Jonny!
In the back of her Mercedes.
Ignore them, Mum. Martin didn't get anyone pregnant, did you?
What?
Get Bitchface pregnant?
No. To be honest, she never gave me the chance!
PHONE RINGS I'll get it!
No, I'll get it.
We'll talk about this later.
Hello? Oh, hi. Are you?
OK, then.
Who is it?
Coming.
Who is it?
Oh. Hello, Adam.
Jonny. I'm Adam.
Oh, yes. No, it was just, I was passing and I noticed
that your doorbell wasn't working.
Er, I'm not on the phone any more, Jim.
What? Oh, yes.
No, your bell's not working, so I thought I'd, I'd just, um...
let you know.
Thanks.
Did you know?
Well, yes, there is a sign.
There's a sign.
Wilson...
Is your mother in?
Jim, it's Friday night, we're about to have dinner.
Who is it? Jim.
Oh. Hi, Jackie!
Um, ooh, something smells...
OK, well...
Who's Pusface?
No-one.
Adam is.
Are you?
Pusface?
It's a nickname. A Jewish nickname.
Is it? Oh.
Is there anything special
that Jewish people get for their birthdays?
What?
Come on, boys!
Coming! Um, I'm gonna... it's sort of my birthday dinner.
Yes, of course. Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Actually, there is something we give each other on our birthdays.
Oh, yes?
Yeah. It's kind of traditional to give a big basket of fruit
to the eldest son of the family.
A big basket of fruit?
Mmm, yeah.
I've never heard of that.
Right. Any particular type of fruit?
Yeah, er, well, only green-coloured ones, really.
Sort of, er, apples... um, grapes...
Kiwis? Yeah, they're allowed. Yeah.
Pears...
No, no. Pears are forbidden.
I understand, your traditions.
Traditions, yeah.
This, this basket of fruit...
does it have a name?
Yes, it does. It is called a...
Schmoigel.
What?
A Schmoigel.
Schm... Schmoigel?
Jonny! Coming! Schmoigel.
Schmoigel.
Oh, that man, every Friday night! Doesn't he know we're Jewish?
Oh, he knows!
What else did he want?
Oh, nothing.
Are you ready now?
Yep, ready for my poisoning!
Well, first of all, I've made you some lovely potatoes.
Um, lovely?
There's not a lot of them, Dad.
These ones are meant to be quite dense.
A dense meal.
Yeah, and now for the best bit. Ta-da!
Is it clay?
Clay? Is that the meat?
Of course it's the meat. Anyone want to carve?
Can it be carved?
That does look very dry, Martin.
It really was potatoes and some meat.
Aww. Martin, you do know you've shrunk the beef?
Shrunk the beef?
Brilliant!
I'll carve, then.
SQUEAKING
Should the meat squeak?
Tuck in, Birthday Boy.
Dad?
What?
I think we should go for a Chinese.
A Chinese?
Yeah, let's go for a Chinese.
Don't be stupid!
He's right. I think we should go for a Chinese.
Go for a Chinese? It's delicious!
Look...
Yeah, let's go for a Chinese.
OK. Now, slowly, Jackie, slowly.
Jackie,
what sort of food is Chinese?
Mum, I've told you, you've had Chinese food.
Ow, you're pinching me, you're pinching me!
Oh, thank you, Martin, more pain!
Is it like Greek?
Er, probably the opposite.
Oh, no.
The Mercedes!
What?
Bitchface!
Nice to see you, Jackie!
Oh, and you!
Didn't mention my foot once, not once!
All she talked about was her stupid Mercedes!
They've had it resprayed!
When they go dogging!
Jonny!
What are you talking about?
Your girlfriend, who you hardly had sex with.
Would you like some green tea before your meal?
Er, great, thanks.
Thank you.
Mmm!
Mmm, ketchup!
Uh-oh, Miss Mercedes alert!
I don't know how you could do things with that woman.
Not this again! I've told you, it was years ago!
We're not suddenly going to find out we're actually her children, are we?
Thank you, Adam!
Ooh, here she comes, our real mum!
Nice meal?
Mmm, very nice, thank you.
We didn't like it. We just told the manager,
he's going to give us some free vouchers.
It's not as good as the one in town.
Right.
Hi, Jonathan.
Hello.
Hello again, Adam.
Oh, of course, you, er,
saw each other earlier.
Yes, we had a little chat, didn't we?
Um...
How are you doing, Martin?
Er, f-fine. Fine.
Oh, er, you know my mother?
Oh, yes, of course. Doing all right there, Mrs Buller?
Hello. Who is it?
Sheila. Sheila Bloom.
Oh, yes!
Are you the pregnant lady?
I'm sorry!
Grandma, have some more rice.
The one that Martin got pregnant?
Er, your mother, I forgot to ask,
she was, er... she was quite unwell.
Yes, well, she, um... she passed away, about six weeks ago.
Oh, I am sorry. Oh, I had no idea!
Yeah, sorry.
It was terrible! She had been quite ill.
Very sad!
We thought she was getting better
and then she suddenly just went downhill.
Eddie rushed her to the hospital
in the, you know, Mercedes,
and even though he's a fast driver
and the Mercedes is a fast car, a very fast car,
well, he just couldn't get her in there in time
and well she just... she just died!
That's awful!
In the Mercedes.
SNIGGERING
Sorry, I missed that, where was it her mother died?
In the Mercedes.
CHORTLING
Right, Eddie, get the coats.
LAUGHTER
Shhh!
What must she think of us?
Um, as a family we just find leukaemia really funny?
I can't believe you're actually going to do this.
What else are we meant to do?
Oh, you are such an idiot, Martin!
Well, how was I to know he'd have the same coat?
All you had to do was put it on another hook.
It's got the bloody house keys in it!
All right!
Go on, you'd better go with your dad.
What?!
Go on!
We're not going!
You are!
No way! Why don't you go?
Because I'm crippled, remember. Just go and get your dad's jacket!
Sorry, There's no way I'm knocking on that woman's door
having just laughed at her dying mother!
Er, dead mother.
Correct, dead mother.
OK, can we go now?
What if she says "Mercedes" again?
Oh, God!
Just stop moaning and get out the car!
What if Dad suddenly starts humping Bitchface?
Jonny!
Oh, for Christ's Sake!
All I did was kiss her breasts a little! Now come on!
You what?
I kissed her breasts a little.
It was ages ago!
You kissed Bitchface's breasts?
What are they talking about?
Dad's breast-kissing.
Well, what's so unusual about that? I kiss YOUR breasts!
Eurgh! Please!
Right, I'm now getting out the car!
I am also now getting out the car!
Martin.
Just go and get the coat.
It was only her breasts!
Your mother!
You're ringing the bell.
No, you're ringing the bell.
Shut up!
It's my birthday, you're ringing the...
Oh, God!
Oh, hello, Sheila. Sorry to bother you, but er...
Thank you.
SNIGGERING
Something funny?
No.
You sure?
Yes.
Yep.
Come on, Dad.
Yeah, one minute.
Yep, it's my coat!
Thank you.
Bye! Yep.
Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare...
Agony, agony, agony...
Oh, freedom!
How was it?
I got my coat.
Did you get your coat?
I got my coat.
What did she say?
Well, luckily, she didn't say the M-word.
Let's go.
Why is she still watching us?
Um, because she hates us?
Seriously, can we just go?
Bloody gearbox!
Bye, Sheila!
METAL CRUNCHES
Oh!
Shit! Shit on it!
The Mercedes!
My Mercedes!
Why are we all laughing?
Oh, my God,
so embarrassing!
So, you'll do all those things, will you?
What?
The car insurance stuff.
Yes, I told you.
And, Martin, can you fix that bloody coat rack, please?
Ja, mein Kapitan!
And feel free to hang yourself from it!
Oh, here it is, Mum!
Your bikini! Under my cardi!
Oh, my bikini!
Oh, thank you, Dolly! Thank you!
And now, the Miss World Over 70s category.
You have a nice lie down, love.
I'd rather you didn't kiss me anywhere tonight, thank you.
Oh! Oof!
Boys, let me give you a bit of advice. Never marry a woman.
Ooh!
Oh!
Ooh!
Fantastic birthday!
Yeah, I hope mine will be as good as this!
Stop shining that thing in my eyes, you div!
Hello, you two!
Oh, hi, Jim.
Hi.
That number plate's going to need screwing back.
That's what I'm doing.
Right, well, this is for you.
Um, what is it?
A Schmoigel?
A what?
A Schmoigel?
You know, a Schmoigel!
Happy Birthday, Pusface!
Jackie?
It fits! It fits!
Ooh, ooh. Why's that door open?
Right.
Oh!
Hey! Done it. Time for a biscuit.
But don't worry, there are absolutely no pears
because I know that pears are completely forbid...
What?
Hello! Hello!
KNOCKING
Martin!
Jackie-e-e!
Oh, ow! Oh!
Jackie!
Martin!
You better be dead or I will kill you!
All ri...
Schmoigel?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd